I started to type this out as a Facebook status, but it might get a little long so I decided to go this route. If you don’t follow me on Facebook I’ll give you a quick update. We did a round of IVF and everything went well until we got to the retrieval, my ovaries were under my rib cage on both sides, and my right ovary flipped. He was barely able to reach my left and decided to not try my right considering everything. We had to do this in a surgery center due to the position of my ovaries, but they transported my eggs back to the office and fertilized them. The next day the doctor called to tell me, personally, that most of the eggs were breaking down due to to much exposure to carbon dioxide. The next phone call I got said only 2 fertilized out of 8, but it didn’t look good. On day 3 he called back to tell me we lost both of them. During the surgery he remembered a procedure called ovarian transposition that would basically move my ovaries back to where they should be. I agreed to do it, and they got us an appointment with Dr. Depasquale in Chattanooga, Tn. Within 3 weeks of the retrieval we met with the oncologist (this is a surgery for cancer patients typically), and he said “when do you want to do it”? Jokingly I said “tomorrow” he said “ok I have an opening”. I was in no way prepared for this surgery and everything that would go with it. I just knew I needed it and I have the best of the best for doctors. We had it done, everything went great, and I’m still recovering. With this surgery they removed my tubes, and placed my ovaries where they should be, then sewed them down to my pelvic wall. Total honestly here, I had no idea what they did until 2 weeks later, my family knew but I didn’t. I knew they moved them, but that was it. I stayed overnight in the hospital, and had to sleep in a recliner for 3 weeks. We plan to go back in January, then start our next round in February.
Now to the point of this. I have always had terrible anxiety, before IVF I would almost work myself into a panic thinking about it, but when we started I was fine. I was focused solely on what I needed to do to make this work. Now I have to much time to worry. Tonight a flood of anxiety hit me. No matter what I did or how much I prayed I couldn’t shake it. Everything that we have been through in the last 6 or 7 weeks hit me. I convinced myself that I should already be well. I’ve almost created a phobia in my mind of telling people it still hurts. I feel like I should be well, strong, and unbothered, but that’s not reality. This is reality.. still hurting, emotionally unstable, and terrible anxiety. Believe me if you’ve never suffered from anxiety going through IVF will give it to you. There are so many people that suffer in silence, I use to be one of them, but it’s ok to hurt. It’s ok to not be ok. We have to go at our own pace, and no one else’s pace will match your own. Even though I can’t convince myself this is all normal, it’s a lot for someone to take on, and I’ll get through it all, you can. Don’t ever hesitate to reach out to someone for help. We all have our own battles to fight, but we can still help each other. We have to help each other. Infertility will be a long hard road whether you make peace with it or you choose to fight it, but it’s your road and you can take it anyway you want.
