Katahdin lamb

Know your worth not your disability.

Watching Women of the Bible reminds me that some of the most influential women in the bible were barren. I didn't realize this until I started looking in the bible and to God for answers. We're all guilty of looking through the world for answers when we're faced with a problem. To someone that hasn't dealt with infertility thinks it's simple. Just go to a fertility center,  take the medicine, have the procedure, and bam you have a baby. It isn't that easy. It's never that easy, even for women that seem to blink and get pregnant. I believe that no matter how hard you struggle to have a child or how easy it happened for you it's a gift. It's always without a doubt a gift from God.  What you can learn from women like Hannah, Sarah, Elizabeth, Esther, Miriam, Huldah, Joanna, Priscilla, Sheera, Manoah, Anna, Dorcas, Michal, and so many more is that their value was not placed on the ability to have a child.  Hannah, Sarah, Manoah, and Elizabeth's infertility was healed. They show us that when the world shows you it isn't possible God shows you it is. I admire these women so much, they stayed faithful and with the odds against them God prevailed like always. I can't say that admire these other women more, but it's a much different admiration.
Esther was a very beautiful Jewish girl that was adopted by her cousin. She was brought to King Ahasuerus and groomed to become a queen, but she kept her Jewish identity a secret. Mordecai, her uncle who was also a Jew, was a servant to the king and he offended a high official. The King made an order to have Mordecai and all the Jews killed. Esther gave the king two banquets where she revealed her Jewish identity and begged him to save her people. He complied to her and hung Haman the official that had ordered all the Jews to be executed.
Miriam was Moses sister, she was the one that watched over him when he was hidden in the Nile river. She was a quick thinker, because of her he survived the exile and was adopted by Pharaoh's daughter. She was also considered the leader of the Hebrew women when they escaped Egypt.
Huldah she was an educated scholar, prophetess, and faithful follower of God. She was asked by a scribe, priest, and royal servants to interpret Scriptures that had been found. She spoke the truth and told that Jerusalem would be destroyed because of its sinful ways, but it would not happen in King Josiah's lifetime because he had been faithful to The Lord. As soon as he heard this he destroyed all the pagan temples that had been built by King Solomon. She was responsible for a massive revival of her people.
Joanna was a very wealthy woman that chose to follow and help support Jesus financially as he preached. She was thought to be at the cross when he was crucified and she was one of the three women that went to embalm Jesus and found him risen.
Priscilla was the wife of Aquila, she isn't labeled as barren but they had no children. Five times she is listed before he husband so it is thought she carried more responsibility of the church. Paul wrote to them and said "not only I but all the churches of the Gentiles are grateful to you." They risked their lives to protect Paul and made enormous contributions to the first Christian church.
Sheera was responsible for the over sight of the building of several cities in 1450 B.C.
Anna was married for seven years then widowed. She had been a widow for 84 years and spent every day serving and praising The Lord. When Mary, Joseph, and baby Jesus arrived at the Temple she ran to meet them and proclaimed that he was the long awaited Christ.  It can't go unnoticed that through all her pain she was able to come above it and find a greater purpose.
Dorcas was a woman dedicated to the ministry, she lived in a port town that had a high rate of widows and orphans. She dedicated her life to sewing clothes for the needy and serving those who were forced into unfortunate circumstances. When she died the disciples sent for Peter who was nearby, he came and restored her so she could continue to serve her purpose.
Michal was the daughter of Saul who was given in marriage to David as a prize for his military victories. She was deeply in love with him and sacrificed herself to protect him when her father became so jealous he planned to kill him. David not only escaped and survived, but he came back to overthrow Saul.

Hold your head up when you're walking through the fire.

 "Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character, and character, hope." Romans 3-4.

     In life we all have a different fire to walk through, most of the time you'll walk through many. They'll all burn differently, some will be quick and others will take years. This where some will be lost in the fire and some will be made. I guess I'll treat this blog as a confession, it's not something I've told to many people if any. As you know I was told when I was sixteen that I could not carry a child and probably wouldn't be able to have one period. They did an ultrasound and showed that the only reproductive organ that I had was a left ovary. The doctor was very surprised but stuck to her diagnoses. I was sent on to Vanderbilt Medical Center in Nashville where they confirmed her findings. Years went by and as you've read in a previous blog I went through IVF. I've always been a little bit of a medical mystery because every time I go in for a test its never the same. They either see something they haven't seen or can't find something they've looked at a hundred times. Through it all I have always prayed for a baby, but I've learned how to pray and how you should respect God. When I prayed in the past I didn't do it right, I didn't have the faith to back up my prayer. That doesn't work. I listened more to the doctors, no offense to them, but they don't have my answer. They aren't our final stop in the road. To be honest I've learned to tune them out when they start telling me what will or won't happen. I'm not in their hands I'm in God's.
      I've always heard people say pray boldly. Even the bible says your faith can move a mountain. Well this is my mountain and my faith is going to move it. I am a reproductive dead end on paper. If you didn't know me you would say her only option is IVF or adoption, but its not. I'm praying for a pregnancy. When I say pray I mean get on your knees and beg from your soul praying. I have to admit when I first started I was embarrassed. I thought if anyone heard me say this out loud they would think I was crazy or worse they would look at me with pity. I don't want the pity, but I don't care if you think I'm crazy anymore. This is my truth and I'm going to own it because I have faith. It's not a woman's duty to have a child, it's her blessing from God. Whether you're trying to get pregnant the natural way, through IVF, or adoption that child will come from God's will. So what's the difference? In my eye's there isn't one so I'm praying boldly. I'm asking for the impossible to be possible for us. This may not be in God's plan, but I'll continue to pray my heart out for this blessing and I'll do it boldly and faithfully. Infertility is my fire and I'm going to hold my head up high as I walk through it.

I'm thankful for bad days.

Today we worked and sold calves. It rained, it was muddy, and the cattle were very difficult. So basically it was a typical day. Normally my husband helps but he was unable to today so that left me and daddy. My daddy is extremely tough and he amazes me at what all he does despite his severe COPD. He would probably wouldn't be to happy with me for saying that because he feels like he doesn't ever do enough.  I started praying about today and how it would go on Friday because we had certain calves that we needed to be sold today. Believe it or not it's an art form to how you do this, if one thing is off your whole day will be wasted. The cattle came up fairly easy, and of course my famous last words were "we'll be done in no time". We got through the first bunch and went straight into the second feeling great. I noticed "our target" was getting anxious and worked up, but we put him with a couple of cows to settle him down and get him in the barn. The cows go in but he doesn't. He made a circle behind us so we start over and right when I step up he takes off after me. Normally I'll stay put and try to bluff them into stopping but this guy wasn't backing down. I got out of the way and he runs straight into the first gate knocking it down. I walk down to bring him back in praying the whole way he doesn't get out. Prayer answered, we get him back in the smaller lot that enters the barn and the same thing happens. This time when he circled I saw him line up with gate number two and when he hit it he hit it so hard that it broke the hinges. The only thing I can think about is I've been praying for three days that we get these calves up and it's blown. What did I do wrong? But at the same time I'm hearing a voice say be glad it was the gate he hit and not one of you. I couldn't shake the disappointment or self pity, that's the only thing I could think about. Maybe if I had taken a moment to get over myself and realize that we had been protected instead of shorted I would have noticed another calf come into the lot. I didn't even know needed to be sold. We didn't have to do anything, he actually walked straight into the barn without a minutes problem. That's when it hit me. The Lord was watching over us, many people have been seriously injured by cattle. In a split second we could have been hurt. He didn't take away anything from us, but provided with something better. He gave me a fine lesson in humility and it was much needed. Even though those personality checks don't feel to good at the time they make you a better person. It's an honor to have my faith strengthened because it only brings me closer to You. At the end of the day I'm thankful that my plans didn't work out and his did.

Sometimes it just sucks..

I've always tried to be very hopeful, positive, and full of faith when it comes to my infertility, but I think I owe it to anyone facing it to tell the other side of the story. It sucks, and that's the only way to put it. We've met with some people and talked about surrogacy and they don't understand what they're looking at across the table. We've sat through several conversations and listened as they went on and on about how excited they were. This is a dream come true and it will be an amazing experience that we want to all have together. Their pregnancies went off so well, no problems during labor and on and on. Let me let you in on a little secret, although it is an amazing advantage that we have in medical science. There are times when it's not amazing to us. I have moments where I just want to look at people and say "stop". Why are you telling me how well it went for you, because it you haven't noticed its not going well for us. It may be selfish but I think some people, even people on the outside looking in, get very caught up in this romantic idea of some hero coming in and carrying your child. I don't want to come across as bitter or ungrateful, but I do want to be a voice to the people that are in this position. It's heartbreaking to watch another woman do the job that you should be doing. She will feel every move and bump that your baby makes while you get to sit in the back row of this experience. She is the one protecting and growing your child not you. But you know what happens? You get through it. There are a lot of things in this world that can break you down and tear you apart but this isn't one of them. It turns out that not every woman was made to have an easy pregnancy. There are a few that are hand picked to show everyone what perseverance is about. So when you're in that moment when infertility really stinks and is bringing you down just remember we've all been there, some are still there, but it doesn't last forever.

Here's a thank you for all the breath taking heart touching hard blessings that we will receive in this life

Some of the most heart touching breath taking blessings are the hardest to accept. Have you ever wanted something so bad you can feel it? I'm sure, we all have. Sometimes the thing you want more than anything is something that can only be given to you by God. Those are the gifts that make you stronger, they strengthen your faith, and help you grow as a person. But what do you do when the gift you wanted comes in a completely different package out of left field? That's when you take a step back and say "thank you", thank you for doing this for me. Thank you for knowing more than I know and taking better care of me than I take of myself.
To make a long story short for those who may not know, I was born with ovaries but no uterus. This means I can have a baby but it will be through IVF and via a surrogate. I've known for many years that this is the path that we will take to have a child. I've had enough time to digest it and accept it, then have a breakdown or two (ok maybe a million) and be at peace with this. I find comfort in knowing that of all the people faced with infertility I'm one of the very lucky ones that has eggs which enables me to have my own biological child. Now to the hard blessing, I can't carry my own baby. I'm not sure that this is appreciated as much as it should be. There are forty weeks when its just you and the baby, you take care of it, you talk to it, sing to it, and it responds.  It moves in you, kicks you, and keeps you awake on the end. They say that baby can recognize its mothers voice as soon as its born. I hear women complain about stretch marks, weight gain, swollen everything. I wish they would look at what they have and what they're doing. A woman is the only being in this world that can have two souls in her body at once, that should make your heart stop.
Now for the heart touching blessing; we can have a baby. Yes it's going to come in a different package and no its not the world's view of a perfect scenario, but it is perfect. God made me different but he also made alot of other women different to. He made them with bigger hearts, he made them to recognize a need and desire in another broken woman, and he made them to want to help. So here's a thank you for all the breath taking heart touching hard blessings that we will receive more than once in this life. And here's another big thank you to all the people we can never repay for their love and generosity, you are truly the best blessing.

His habits are mine, his thoughts are mine, and his actions are my actions.

Like most southerners in a small town I was raised in church. No matter what was planned on Sunday it would be done after 12:00 pm, no questions ask. I might have argued every decision my sweet mother made, but I knew there was a line that couldn't be crossed and that line was Sunday morning. No matter how strong your faith is you will back slide and nine times out of ten you won't realize it for a while. We all have our faults and demons to battle. Sometimes at night I'm so tired I think I'll pray later or I'll read my bible in the morning. This is a very dangerous thing. You don't see your pulling away because you're in church every week, or you're only praying when you need something. I'm guilty one hundred and ten percent, and it hit me one day a few weeks ago. This time was different, this time I really wanted to change my whole attitude. So I spoke a few very powerful words, I said, "Lord help me be closer to you, help me strengthen my faith." Then he hit me with a ton of bricks.
I am not only lucky enough to be my father's daughter but I'm also a friend and a co-worker. We are together seven days a week for long hours. Not only is his DNA engrained in me but I shadow his every move. His habits are mine, his thoughts are mine, and his actions are my actions. You think you're a daddy's girl until you meet me. When I started school I despised it, he bribed me by taking me to Pizza Hut once a week. To this day we are at Pizza Hut every Monday at eleven am. He always treated me like an adult, when we would do a job he would ask me how I would do it. More than likely he wouldn't do it that way, but he always valued my opinion. I never realized it but he was laying a foundation for me. He gave me constant reminders that he wouldn't always be here, and I would have to make decisions on my own one day. No matter how much I depended on him I had to be independent.
 Daddy suffers from COPD, he is very susceptible to colds and pneumonia. A few days ago he started to get a cold. I told him to stay in the house but I knew he wouldn't. On Thursday the doctor said you have pneumonia, he finally whole heartedly agreed to stay in. I went on about the day not thinking to much about it, that night mama called and said they were going to the hospital. We threw our cloths on and fell in behind her car. When we got to the ER he couldn't breathe at all. All the doctors flew into working on him as soon as he came through the door. I have to be completely honest, I was worried but not terribly upset yet since we'd been through this before. Sitting in the waiting room mama called and said they would be sedating him and inserting a breathing tube. At that moment I heard nothing but I knew I had to see him. I did see him, as he was going down the hall on a hospital bed with a blue face. He never saw me, he looked at me when I yelled his name in pain but he didn't actually see me. In this moment I learned the correct way to pray, I prayed from my soul. The next day when they said they wouldn't be taking the ventilator off I panicked again. The second day they attempted to turn the ventilator off  he didn't do well so it was put back on. For the first time in my life I felt like I could see the devil. I knew he was there fighting to win, fighting to make us hurt and suffer. I knew we could win, that we would win but it would be a battle. I prayed and when I didn't pray I would read the bible. That is where we find strength and reassurance. On the fifth day he started breathing on his own and the breathing tube came out. Six days later he left the hospital and came home his old self. He had a very close call, I'm not sure that anyone expected him to come back so strong. You don't realize you're only one breath away from leaving this world. There's no doubt he had a lot of help here on earth, but God is the reason he's still with us. This made it clear to me, the world is full of sin and the devil is closer than you know but God can use these things to bring us closer to him. We will all make mistakes and pull away but he will always be here when we come back to him. Through this all I never realized he was bringing us all closer to him. I honestly feel like I looked at the devil for the first time that day, but I could also see how powerful the Lord is. Now when I say "if the Lord is for us then surely who can be against us" I believe it whole heartily and say it full of faith.