Hold your head up when you're walking through the fire.

 "Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character, and character, hope." Romans 3-4.

     In life we all have a different fire to walk through, most of the time you'll walk through many. They'll all burn differently, some will be quick and others will take years. This where some will be lost in the fire and some will be made. I guess I'll treat this blog as a confession, it's not something I've told to many people if any. As you know I was told when I was sixteen that I could not carry a child and probably wouldn't be able to have one period. They did an ultrasound and showed that the only reproductive organ that I had was a left ovary. The doctor was very surprised but stuck to her diagnoses. I was sent on to Vanderbilt Medical Center in Nashville where they confirmed her findings. Years went by and as you've read in a previous blog I went through IVF. I've always been a little bit of a medical mystery because every time I go in for a test its never the same. They either see something they haven't seen or can't find something they've looked at a hundred times. Through it all I have always prayed for a baby, but I've learned how to pray and how you should respect God. When I prayed in the past I didn't do it right, I didn't have the faith to back up my prayer. That doesn't work. I listened more to the doctors, no offense to them, but they don't have my answer. They aren't our final stop in the road. To be honest I've learned to tune them out when they start telling me what will or won't happen. I'm not in their hands I'm in God's.
      I've always heard people say pray boldly. Even the bible says your faith can move a mountain. Well this is my mountain and my faith is going to move it. I am a reproductive dead end on paper. If you didn't know me you would say her only option is IVF or adoption, but its not. I'm praying for a pregnancy. When I say pray I mean get on your knees and beg from your soul praying. I have to admit when I first started I was embarrassed. I thought if anyone heard me say this out loud they would think I was crazy or worse they would look at me with pity. I don't want the pity, but I don't care if you think I'm crazy anymore. This is my truth and I'm going to own it because I have faith. It's not a woman's duty to have a child, it's her blessing from God. Whether you're trying to get pregnant the natural way, through IVF, or adoption that child will come from God's will. So what's the difference? In my eye's there isn't one so I'm praying boldly. I'm asking for the impossible to be possible for us. This may not be in God's plan, but I'll continue to pray my heart out for this blessing and I'll do it boldly and faithfully. Infertility is my fire and I'm going to hold my head up high as I walk through it.

I'm thankful for bad days.

Today we worked and sold calves. It rained, it was muddy, and the cattle were very difficult. So basically it was a typical day. Normally my husband helps but he was unable to today so that left me and daddy. My daddy is extremely tough and he amazes me at what all he does despite his severe COPD. He would probably wouldn't be to happy with me for saying that because he feels like he doesn't ever do enough.  I started praying about today and how it would go on Friday because we had certain calves that we needed to be sold today. Believe it or not it's an art form to how you do this, if one thing is off your whole day will be wasted. The cattle came up fairly easy, and of course my famous last words were "we'll be done in no time". We got through the first bunch and went straight into the second feeling great. I noticed "our target" was getting anxious and worked up, but we put him with a couple of cows to settle him down and get him in the barn. The cows go in but he doesn't. He made a circle behind us so we start over and right when I step up he takes off after me. Normally I'll stay put and try to bluff them into stopping but this guy wasn't backing down. I got out of the way and he runs straight into the first gate knocking it down. I walk down to bring him back in praying the whole way he doesn't get out. Prayer answered, we get him back in the smaller lot that enters the barn and the same thing happens. This time when he circled I saw him line up with gate number two and when he hit it he hit it so hard that it broke the hinges. The only thing I can think about is I've been praying for three days that we get these calves up and it's blown. What did I do wrong? But at the same time I'm hearing a voice say be glad it was the gate he hit and not one of you. I couldn't shake the disappointment or self pity, that's the only thing I could think about. Maybe if I had taken a moment to get over myself and realize that we had been protected instead of shorted I would have noticed another calf come into the lot. I didn't even know needed to be sold. We didn't have to do anything, he actually walked straight into the barn without a minutes problem. That's when it hit me. The Lord was watching over us, many people have been seriously injured by cattle. In a split second we could have been hurt. He didn't take away anything from us, but provided with something better. He gave me a fine lesson in humility and it was much needed. Even though those personality checks don't feel to good at the time they make you a better person. It's an honor to have my faith strengthened because it only brings me closer to You. At the end of the day I'm thankful that my plans didn't work out and his did.

Sometimes it just sucks..

I've always tried to be very hopeful, positive, and full of faith when it comes to my infertility, but I think I owe it to anyone facing it to tell the other side of the story. It sucks, and that's the only way to put it. We've met with some people and talked about surrogacy and they don't understand what they're looking at across the table. We've sat through several conversations and listened as they went on and on about how excited they were. This is a dream come true and it will be an amazing experience that we want to all have together. Their pregnancies went off so well, no problems during labor and on and on. Let me let you in on a little secret, although it is an amazing advantage that we have in medical science. There are times when it's not amazing to us. I have moments where I just want to look at people and say "stop". Why are you telling me how well it went for you, because it you haven't noticed its not going well for us. It may be selfish but I think some people, even people on the outside looking in, get very caught up in this romantic idea of some hero coming in and carrying your child. I don't want to come across as bitter or ungrateful, but I do want to be a voice to the people that are in this position. It's heartbreaking to watch another woman do the job that you should be doing. She will feel every move and bump that your baby makes while you get to sit in the back row of this experience. She is the one protecting and growing your child not you. But you know what happens? You get through it. There are a lot of things in this world that can break you down and tear you apart but this isn't one of them. It turns out that not every woman was made to have an easy pregnancy. There are a few that are hand picked to show everyone what perseverance is about. So when you're in that moment when infertility really stinks and is bringing you down just remember we've all been there, some are still there, but it doesn't last forever.

Here's a thank you for all the breath taking heart touching hard blessings that we will receive in this life

Some of the most heart touching breath taking blessings are the hardest to accept. Have you ever wanted something so bad you can feel it? I'm sure, we all have. Sometimes the thing you want more than anything is something that can only be given to you by God. Those are the gifts that make you stronger, they strengthen your faith, and help you grow as a person. But what do you do when the gift you wanted comes in a completely different package out of left field? That's when you take a step back and say "thank you", thank you for doing this for me. Thank you for knowing more than I know and taking better care of me than I take of myself.
To make a long story short for those who may not know, I was born with ovaries but no uterus. This means I can have a baby but it will be through IVF and via a surrogate. I've known for many years that this is the path that we will take to have a child. I've had enough time to digest it and accept it, then have a breakdown or two (ok maybe a million) and be at peace with this. I find comfort in knowing that of all the people faced with infertility I'm one of the very lucky ones that has eggs which enables me to have my own biological child. Now to the hard blessing, I can't carry my own baby. I'm not sure that this is appreciated as much as it should be. There are forty weeks when its just you and the baby, you take care of it, you talk to it, sing to it, and it responds.  It moves in you, kicks you, and keeps you awake on the end. They say that baby can recognize its mothers voice as soon as its born. I hear women complain about stretch marks, weight gain, swollen everything. I wish they would look at what they have and what they're doing. A woman is the only being in this world that can have two souls in her body at once, that should make your heart stop.
Now for the heart touching blessing; we can have a baby. Yes it's going to come in a different package and no its not the world's view of a perfect scenario, but it is perfect. God made me different but he also made alot of other women different to. He made them with bigger hearts, he made them to recognize a need and desire in another broken woman, and he made them to want to help. So here's a thank you for all the breath taking heart touching hard blessings that we will receive more than once in this life. And here's another big thank you to all the people we can never repay for their love and generosity, you are truly the best blessing.

His habits are mine, his thoughts are mine, and his actions are my actions.

Like most southerners in a small town I was raised in church. No matter what was planned on Sunday it would be done after 12:00 pm, no questions ask. I might have argued every decision my sweet mother made, but I knew there was a line that couldn't be crossed and that line was Sunday morning. No matter how strong your faith is you will back slide and nine times out of ten you won't realize it for a while. We all have our faults and demons to battle. Sometimes at night I'm so tired I think I'll pray later or I'll read my bible in the morning. This is a very dangerous thing. You don't see your pulling away because you're in church every week, or you're only praying when you need something. I'm guilty one hundred and ten percent, and it hit me one day a few weeks ago. This time was different, this time I really wanted to change my whole attitude. So I spoke a few very powerful words, I said, "Lord help me be closer to you, help me strengthen my faith." Then he hit me with a ton of bricks.
I am not only lucky enough to be my father's daughter but I'm also a friend and a co-worker. We are together seven days a week for long hours. Not only is his DNA engrained in me but I shadow his every move. His habits are mine, his thoughts are mine, and his actions are my actions. You think you're a daddy's girl until you meet me. When I started school I despised it, he bribed me by taking me to Pizza Hut once a week. To this day we are at Pizza Hut every Monday at eleven am. He always treated me like an adult, when we would do a job he would ask me how I would do it. More than likely he wouldn't do it that way, but he always valued my opinion. I never realized it but he was laying a foundation for me. He gave me constant reminders that he wouldn't always be here, and I would have to make decisions on my own one day. No matter how much I depended on him I had to be independent.
 Daddy suffers from COPD, he is very susceptible to colds and pneumonia. A few days ago he started to get a cold. I told him to stay in the house but I knew he wouldn't. On Thursday the doctor said you have pneumonia, he finally whole heartedly agreed to stay in. I went on about the day not thinking to much about it, that night mama called and said they were going to the hospital. We threw our cloths on and fell in behind her car. When we got to the ER he couldn't breathe at all. All the doctors flew into working on him as soon as he came through the door. I have to be completely honest, I was worried but not terribly upset yet since we'd been through this before. Sitting in the waiting room mama called and said they would be sedating him and inserting a breathing tube. At that moment I heard nothing but I knew I had to see him. I did see him, as he was going down the hall on a hospital bed with a blue face. He never saw me, he looked at me when I yelled his name in pain but he didn't actually see me. In this moment I learned the correct way to pray, I prayed from my soul. The next day when they said they wouldn't be taking the ventilator off I panicked again. The second day they attempted to turn the ventilator off  he didn't do well so it was put back on. For the first time in my life I felt like I could see the devil. I knew he was there fighting to win, fighting to make us hurt and suffer. I knew we could win, that we would win but it would be a battle. I prayed and when I didn't pray I would read the bible. That is where we find strength and reassurance. On the fifth day he started breathing on his own and the breathing tube came out. Six days later he left the hospital and came home his old self. He had a very close call, I'm not sure that anyone expected him to come back so strong. You don't realize you're only one breath away from leaving this world. There's no doubt he had a lot of help here on earth, but God is the reason he's still with us. This made it clear to me, the world is full of sin and the devil is closer than you know but God can use these things to bring us closer to him. We will all make mistakes and pull away but he will always be here when we come back to him. Through this all I never realized he was bringing us all closer to him. I honestly feel like I looked at the devil for the first time that day, but I could also see how powerful the Lord is. Now when I say "if the Lord is for us then surely who can be against us" I believe it whole heartily and say it full of faith.

My heart isn't whole, this one's for you

     We come into this world with a whole heart but by the time you are called home it's not. I think this is what gets me through life, to know that one day it will be whole again. What else is there to live for other than knowing that one day we'll all be together again? The biggest loss in my life came before my little boy even made his appearance in this world. When I started  IVF I don't think the idea that it wouldn't give me a baby never struck me. Some people would call that confidence and some would call it being naive, but it doesn't matter. When you go through that process you do what you have to do to make it to the end.
     I took the medicines and the shots even when the doctors told me my body couldn't handle it. I was uncomfortable, sick, and sometimes in pain, but I didn't care and I never complained. I would do it if it killed me. They implanted the embryo into a surrogate and when they did the pregnancy test ten days later it was positive. That was the happiest day of my life up to that point. I put the very first ultrasound picture in a frame. It didn't matter how small that baby was he was mine.
      The doctor appointments came and went easily except for one. The doctor noticed a small problem with the part that fed the baby was a little to large, they said if it kept expanding the baby would run out of room. She reassured me there was nothing to worry about, it happened a lot on the beginning and it usually corrected itself, but they could make an extra appointment to re check it. Of course I wanted another ultrasound as soon as they could to check it, I was ready to panic but tried to stay calm. We went back for the appointment and the ultrasound technician didn't say a word she just kept checking and checking. I was so happy to see him I never noticed her reaction. She started to cry when she turned around and told me there was no heart beat and I just sat there. I didn't cry. I didn't say anything. I just sat there. She took my hand and told me that I needed to see the doctor. I honestly don't remember one word that anyone said that day all I remember is the way he looked. I never knew that a baby in an ultrasound could look so peaceful, but he did. I will always thank the good Lord for that thought because it gave me a little comfort in a moment when I was so broken and in shock.
     I absolutely hate when people say everything happens for a reason, who are we to come to that conclusion? And when something happens it doesn't matter what the reason is because there's to much pain. I don't care to hear people say time heals all wounds either because that's not true. No matter what lose you have. When it's that big you don't forget it no matter how long ago it was. I've finally got to the point where I can understand what happened, no matter how hard I wanted it or prayed it wasn't my time to have a child. I wanted a baby for the wrong reason and God knew that. It wasn't the time or the place to bring a baby in to. Babies can do incredible things, they can make a love stronger and they can make you see that a relationship isn't working. As much as I hate to say it my little boy did a wonderful job of showing me that with out having to be brought in to the situation. How many people can say that an unborn baby saved their life? Without him here I realized so many things, his love pushed me out of my comfort zone and also pushed me into a better life.
     I am now married to the one person that I can honestly say I was made to be with. He completes me in every way, he is my crutch when I can't stand alone, he is my other half. Now when I pray I have the reassurance that this is the life you want to bring a baby into. We'll be starting IVF soon and I'm going to go into it without a whole heart but I'll be a little confident, a little naive, full of faith and have a special angel watching over us.

*At Christmas I get an angel off of an angel tree of a little boy that would be the same age as mine and buy him Christmas presents. It's just a way to pay respect to a memory.

Pain seems to lengthen the briefest moments

     Life is not fair, it's the furthest thing from it, we learn that at an early age. My mother and father had been married for 21 years when I was born. They struggled with infertility that long, I'm sure it seemed like a life time, pain seems to lengthen the smallest periods in time. She never lost her faith, no matter what happened she knew that God would give them a baby, and he did. 

     I've dealt with infertility or should I say, known about my infertility, since I was 16. At that age and younger every girl dreads having her first period. When will it happen? What will it feel like? Will anyone know? I was no exception except for one thing, mine never came. Of course mama took me to the doctor at about 14, and she told her not to worry about it till I got older. At 16 we went back, in that one doctors appointment everything I had thought, worried, and wondered about flipped completely upside down. They did the ultrasound and found nothing but possibly a left ovary. I was told I would never carry a child, more than likely never have one. For any woman that would be a very hard thing to wrap your brain around, at 16 it was magnified. I felt like I wasn't a whole person, every woman could get pregnant that was the thing that set us apart from men. I've always been the type of person that when it gets to hard to think about or deal with I just shut it out. There's no talking about it at any time, obviously this isn't healthy but it was and is the way I deal with hard situations. I've come a very long way since that day, and as blatantly obvious as it is to people on the outside looking in God has a reason for everything. 

     Dealing with this is a day to day battle. I have my positive times when nothing can get me down, then I have times when all I feel is depression and pain, but my main goal and purpose is to keep strong. There's a lot to tell and this is just the beginning, the last 13 years has brought a lot of wisdom, pain, understanding, loss, and heart ache but its made me stronger. As backward as it sounds I'm thankful for this, I don't think my faith would be near as strong if I didn't have this loss.  I'm not sure where I would be or who I would be, this has become part of me and how I was made. Every person has a purpose, some of us discover early on what that is and some find it later on in life. I'm beginning to see mine and learn more about it everyday. This is the beginning of my story, a foundation of what is to come. It won't be as funny as some of my other stories I usually tell, but it'll be very heartfelt and full of emotion.