My heart isn't whole, this one's for you

     We come into this world with a whole heart but by the time you are called home it's not. I think this is what gets me through life, to know that one day it will be whole again. What else is there to live for other than knowing that one day we'll all be together again? The biggest loss in my life came before my little boy even made his appearance in this world. When I started  IVF I don't think the idea that it wouldn't give me a baby never struck me. Some people would call that confidence and some would call it being naive, but it doesn't matter. When you go through that process you do what you have to do to make it to the end.
     I took the medicines and the shots even when the doctors told me my body couldn't handle it. I was uncomfortable, sick, and sometimes in pain, but I didn't care and I never complained. I would do it if it killed me. They implanted the embryo into a surrogate and when they did the pregnancy test ten days later it was positive. That was the happiest day of my life up to that point. I put the very first ultrasound picture in a frame. It didn't matter how small that baby was he was mine.
      The doctor appointments came and went easily except for one. The doctor noticed a small problem with the part that fed the baby was a little to large, they said if it kept expanding the baby would run out of room. She reassured me there was nothing to worry about, it happened a lot on the beginning and it usually corrected itself, but they could make an extra appointment to re check it. Of course I wanted another ultrasound as soon as they could to check it, I was ready to panic but tried to stay calm. We went back for the appointment and the ultrasound technician didn't say a word she just kept checking and checking. I was so happy to see him I never noticed her reaction. She started to cry when she turned around and told me there was no heart beat and I just sat there. I didn't cry. I didn't say anything. I just sat there. She took my hand and told me that I needed to see the doctor. I honestly don't remember one word that anyone said that day all I remember is the way he looked. I never knew that a baby in an ultrasound could look so peaceful, but he did. I will always thank the good Lord for that thought because it gave me a little comfort in a moment when I was so broken and in shock.
     I absolutely hate when people say everything happens for a reason, who are we to come to that conclusion? And when something happens it doesn't matter what the reason is because there's to much pain. I don't care to hear people say time heals all wounds either because that's not true. No matter what lose you have. When it's that big you don't forget it no matter how long ago it was. I've finally got to the point where I can understand what happened, no matter how hard I wanted it or prayed it wasn't my time to have a child. I wanted a baby for the wrong reason and God knew that. It wasn't the time or the place to bring a baby in to. Babies can do incredible things, they can make a love stronger and they can make you see that a relationship isn't working. As much as I hate to say it my little boy did a wonderful job of showing me that with out having to be brought in to the situation. How many people can say that an unborn baby saved their life? Without him here I realized so many things, his love pushed me out of my comfort zone and also pushed me into a better life.
     I am now married to the one person that I can honestly say I was made to be with. He completes me in every way, he is my crutch when I can't stand alone, he is my other half. Now when I pray I have the reassurance that this is the life you want to bring a baby into. We'll be starting IVF soon and I'm going to go into it without a whole heart but I'll be a little confident, a little naive, full of faith and have a special angel watching over us.

*At Christmas I get an angel off of an angel tree of a little boy that would be the same age as mine and buy him Christmas presents. It's just a way to pay respect to a memory.

Pain seems to lengthen the briefest moments

     Life is not fair, it's the furthest thing from it, we learn that at an early age. My mother and father had been married for 21 years when I was born. They struggled with infertility that long, I'm sure it seemed like a life time, pain seems to lengthen the smallest periods in time. She never lost her faith, no matter what happened she knew that God would give them a baby, and he did. 

     I've dealt with infertility or should I say, known about my infertility, since I was 16. At that age and younger every girl dreads having her first period. When will it happen? What will it feel like? Will anyone know? I was no exception except for one thing, mine never came. Of course mama took me to the doctor at about 14, and she told her not to worry about it till I got older. At 16 we went back, in that one doctors appointment everything I had thought, worried, and wondered about flipped completely upside down. They did the ultrasound and found nothing but possibly a left ovary. I was told I would never carry a child, more than likely never have one. For any woman that would be a very hard thing to wrap your brain around, at 16 it was magnified. I felt like I wasn't a whole person, every woman could get pregnant that was the thing that set us apart from men. I've always been the type of person that when it gets to hard to think about or deal with I just shut it out. There's no talking about it at any time, obviously this isn't healthy but it was and is the way I deal with hard situations. I've come a very long way since that day, and as blatantly obvious as it is to people on the outside looking in God has a reason for everything. 

     Dealing with this is a day to day battle. I have my positive times when nothing can get me down, then I have times when all I feel is depression and pain, but my main goal and purpose is to keep strong. There's a lot to tell and this is just the beginning, the last 13 years has brought a lot of wisdom, pain, understanding, loss, and heart ache but its made me stronger. As backward as it sounds I'm thankful for this, I don't think my faith would be near as strong if I didn't have this loss.  I'm not sure where I would be or who I would be, this has become part of me and how I was made. Every person has a purpose, some of us discover early on what that is and some find it later on in life. I'm beginning to see mine and learn more about it everyday. This is the beginning of my story, a foundation of what is to come. It won't be as funny as some of my other stories I usually tell, but it'll be very heartfelt and full of emotion.