Pain seems to lengthen the briefest moments

     Life is not fair, it's the furthest thing from it, we learn that at an early age. My mother and father had been married for 21 years when I was born. They struggled with infertility that long, I'm sure it seemed like a life time, pain seems to lengthen the smallest periods in time. She never lost her faith, no matter what happened she knew that God would give them a baby, and he did. 

     I've dealt with infertility or should I say, known about my infertility, since I was 16. At that age and younger every girl dreads having her first period. When will it happen? What will it feel like? Will anyone know? I was no exception except for one thing, mine never came. Of course mama took me to the doctor at about 14, and she told her not to worry about it till I got older. At 16 we went back, in that one doctors appointment everything I had thought, worried, and wondered about flipped completely upside down. They did the ultrasound and found nothing but possibly a left ovary. I was told I would never carry a child, more than likely never have one. For any woman that would be a very hard thing to wrap your brain around, at 16 it was magnified. I felt like I wasn't a whole person, every woman could get pregnant that was the thing that set us apart from men. I've always been the type of person that when it gets to hard to think about or deal with I just shut it out. There's no talking about it at any time, obviously this isn't healthy but it was and is the way I deal with hard situations. I've come a very long way since that day, and as blatantly obvious as it is to people on the outside looking in God has a reason for everything. 

     Dealing with this is a day to day battle. I have my positive times when nothing can get me down, then I have times when all I feel is depression and pain, but my main goal and purpose is to keep strong. There's a lot to tell and this is just the beginning, the last 13 years has brought a lot of wisdom, pain, understanding, loss, and heart ache but its made me stronger. As backward as it sounds I'm thankful for this, I don't think my faith would be near as strong if I didn't have this loss.  I'm not sure where I would be or who I would be, this has become part of me and how I was made. Every person has a purpose, some of us discover early on what that is and some find it later on in life. I'm beginning to see mine and learn more about it everyday. This is the beginning of my story, a foundation of what is to come. It won't be as funny as some of my other stories I usually tell, but it'll be very heartfelt and full of emotion.