Learning you don't have control isn't easy.

I'm a huge control freak. I want to control everything and in a perfect world I could take away all the pain others felt, but the fact of the matter is you can't. I can't even control the pain I feel. I like to pretend as if I've handled my infertility well, but there are moments and memories that knock the wind out of you. Today my daddy was complaining about mama leaving her phone at home. As a side note this is nothing new, it usually happens about once a month. He hasn't had a cell phone for a long time because he's very anti technology. I remembered about the time he got his phone. He wanted one with a camera because I was expecting a baby with a surrogate through IVF. Thinking about the baby is nothing knew. Honestly there hasn't been a single day that has went by that I haven't thought about it. I've only told one other person this, but I use to dream constantly about the baby and it was always the same. I would be holding him and then someone would come take him from me. Not in a mean or violent way. They would just come and take the baby out of my hands and then it would be over. The only thing that has got me through this is my faith. It is the dearest thing in my life. I would be a complete mess if it wasn't for God. I have prayed and prayed for a child, but it has always been a very private prayer. For some reason I've been a little embarrassed to admit that I pray for a baby every day. I just knew that I would tell someone and they would look at me like I was crazy and maybe even tell me that. I mean why wouldn't they? I've had every single doctor that I've ever seen tell me it's medically impossible for me to have a child. If there wasn't a God that would be true, but there is a God and he is a miracle worker. I never realized how much control the devil held over me by keeping that to myself and making me feel ashamed about my prayer. The devil can do so much damage to a person and they don't even realize it. The truth of the matter is he doesn't have that power, we give it to him. I don't care what you're facing or what you feel you can always pray about it and ask others to pray with you. There's nothing to small or to large for God. One of the biggest things that I've ever heard heard our preacher say was "if it matters to you then it matters to God". And there's no telling how many times I've had to repeat that to myself. Please don't make my mistake. If you have something weighing on you pray about it and ask others to pray for you. I'll continue to pray for a miracle and I hope you'll help me and the others who face infertility.

Psalm 30:2
 LORD my God, I called to you for help, and you healed me.