Do as I say not as I do.

I started to type this out as a Facebook status, but it might get a little long so I decided to go this route. If you don’t follow me on Facebook I’ll give you a quick update. We did a round of IVF and everything went well until we got to the retrieval, my ovaries were under my rib cage on both sides, and my right ovary flipped. He was barely able to reach my left and decided to not try my right considering everything. We had to do this in a surgery center due to the position of my ovaries, but they transported my eggs back to the office and fertilized them. The next day the doctor called to tell me, personally, that most of the eggs were breaking down due to to much exposure to carbon dioxide. The next phone call I got said only 2 fertilized out of 8, but it didn’t look good. On day 3 he called back to tell me we lost both of them. During the surgery he remembered a procedure called ovarian transposition that would basically move my ovaries back to where they should be. I agreed to do it, and they got us an appointment with Dr. Depasquale in Chattanooga, Tn. Within 3 weeks of the retrieval we met with the oncologist (this is a surgery for cancer patients typically), and he said “when do you want to do it”? Jokingly I said “tomorrow” he said “ok I have an opening”. I was in no way prepared for this surgery and everything that would go with it. I just knew I needed it and I have the best of the best for doctors. We had it done, everything went great, and I’m still recovering. With this surgery they removed my tubes, and placed my ovaries where they should be, then sewed them down to my pelvic wall. Total honestly here, I had no idea what they did until 2 weeks later, my family knew but I didn’t. I knew they moved them, but that was it. I stayed overnight in the hospital, and had to sleep in a recliner for 3 weeks.  We plan to go back in January, then start our next round in February.

Now to the point of this. I have always had terrible anxiety, before IVF I would almost work myself into a panic thinking about it, but when we started I was fine. I was focused solely on what I needed to do to make this work. Now I have to much time to worry. Tonight  a flood of anxiety hit me. No matter what I did or how much I prayed I couldn’t shake it. Everything that we have been through in the last 6 or 7 weeks hit me. I convinced myself that I should already be well. I’ve almost created a phobia in my mind of telling people it still hurts. I feel like I should be well, strong, and unbothered, but that’s not reality. This is reality.. still hurting, emotionally unstable, and terrible anxiety. Believe me if you’ve never suffered from anxiety going through IVF will give it to you. There are so many people that suffer in silence, I use to be one of them, but it’s ok to hurt. It’s ok to not be ok. We have to go at our own pace, and no one else’s pace will match your own. Even though I can’t convince myself this is all normal, it’s a lot for someone to take on, and I’ll get through it all, you can. Don’t ever hesitate to reach out to someone for help. We all have our own battles to fight, but we can still help each other. We have to help each other. Infertility will be a long hard road whether you make peace with it or you choose to fight it, but it’s your road and you can take it anyway you want.

There aren’t one set of footprints in the sand. There’s drag marks where God has drug me kicking and screaming to this point.

Before I start this, in case you didn’t know, I was born without a uterus. I have functioning ovaries that make eggs, and go through a cycle, but I don’t have a uterus to hold a baby. I’ve spent all of my adult life praying for a pregnancy, even when it wasn’t in a good situation. I don’t mean casually praying, or praying when you get depressed. I’m talking about hard core, on your knees, crying out to the Lord for help. I’ve prayed until my soul ached. I’ve prayed until I thought my heart would break in two. I’ve had so many people pray for me, but never got that answer. I always knew I could keep IVF on the back burner in case my prayer wasn’t answered, but why wouldn’t it be? I read the Bible every night, I go to church, I truly love the Lord, and try to serve him to the best of my ability. Why wouldn’t he answer this for me? It would be life changing, a true miracle, but it wouldn’t affect anyone else. He’s not answering it because this isn’t in his plan for me. That’s a hard pill to swallow. You see so many people get their miracle. Hannah and Sarah couldn’t have prayed any harder than I have. There’s no pain like the desire for a child and not being able to reach it. Sometimes it’s like you’re walking around in an alternate universe. It seems so strange for people to actually plan for a baby, to try for a pregnancy and get one. I’m not one of those people and you may not be either. Some people have to fight for it. They have to put their body through so many unnatural things. Infertility is tough and IVF is even tougher. Some people can’t handle the emotional and physical toll it takes on them and that’s completely understandable. Some people can’t afford it, and that’s even more heartbreaking. We are blessed to be given the option to to do IVF financially and due to the most precious surrogate I could ever meet. Sometimes God takes you down a road you don’t want to go down to teach you a lesson you didn’t know you needed. I’ve fought him and he’s drug me kicking and screaming to this point. You know that poem about the foot steps in the sand? Where the author says you only see one set of foot prints because God carried you when you couldn’t walk. Mine wouldn’t look like that. There would be a long, long line of drag marks because I didn’t want to do it. I wanted to take a detour and go another route. When I said “but God there’s no money.” He provided it in a way we could never repay. When I said “but God there’s no surrogate.” He provided the best there could ever be. He’s here and he’s with me. We just had to take the long way around. Tomorrow is the day we start shots. I can feel him here now. I can hear him saying “you’ve got this. I brought you here for a reason now let’s do it.” So let’s do it. 

When your bubble finally breaks

As a general rule I can handle infertility and all the baggage that comes with it, but here lately it's become harder and harder. I've had some pretty insensitive things said to me over the years of the why and how I can't have kids. The other night after I unintentionally ticked off an anti vaxxer and she made a low blow. I told God "wow you must have a protective bubble around me because that didn't sting like it should have''. The more I've thought about it over the last few days the more I've realized it's true. Some people will read this and think I've become immune to rude comments, but it doesn't work like that. I truly believe God has protected me and will continue to protect me, but the sobering reality that comes with that is the devil will try harder and harder to break through. Some people say things that hurt unintentionally, we all do, but others do it on purpose. When someone hurts you you have to remember two things, its a reflection on them not you and some times they just don't know better. Today the devil charged straight through my bubble, and I did not do well following my own advice. You know the saying "it's easier said than done"? I'm right smack dab in the middle of that. What people don't tell you is it's ok to be mad, cry, and have a pity party. Just don't stay there. After you get over it use that to drive you farther. Educate those that hurt you. When I started this blog it's intentions were to base it around farming, but that quickly changed. I'm generally a private person that doesn't want to talk about how I feel or what I'm going through, and I sure don't want to talk about IVF. But there's something about this thats cathartic. I haven't mentioned what was said, but I already feel better. What I want you to know is that it's going to be ok. People will always be hurtful and ignorant, they will always say things that leave you dumbfounded, but get it out. Get out all the pain and then step back in your bubble, in fact that's where I'm headed back to now.