There aren’t one set of footprints in the sand. There’s drag marks where God has drug me kicking and screaming to this point.

Before I start this, in case you didn’t know, I was born without a uterus. I have functioning ovaries that make eggs, and go through a cycle, but I don’t have a uterus to hold a baby. I’ve spent all of my adult life praying for a pregnancy, even when it wasn’t in a good situation. I don’t mean casually praying, or praying when you get depressed. I’m talking about hard core, on your knees, crying out to the Lord for help. I’ve prayed until my soul ached. I’ve prayed until I thought my heart would break in two. I’ve had so many people pray for me, but never got that answer. I always knew I could keep IVF on the back burner in case my prayer wasn’t answered, but why wouldn’t it be? I read the Bible every night, I go to church, I truly love the Lord, and try to serve him to the best of my ability. Why wouldn’t he answer this for me? It would be life changing, a true miracle, but it wouldn’t affect anyone else. He’s not answering it because this isn’t in his plan for me. That’s a hard pill to swallow. You see so many people get their miracle. Hannah and Sarah couldn’t have prayed any harder than I have. There’s no pain like the desire for a child and not being able to reach it. Sometimes it’s like you’re walking around in an alternate universe. It seems so strange for people to actually plan for a baby, to try for a pregnancy and get one. I’m not one of those people and you may not be either. Some people have to fight for it. They have to put their body through so many unnatural things. Infertility is tough and IVF is even tougher. Some people can’t handle the emotional and physical toll it takes on them and that’s completely understandable. Some people can’t afford it, and that’s even more heartbreaking. We are blessed to be given the option to to do IVF financially and due to the most precious surrogate I could ever meet. Sometimes God takes you down a road you don’t want to go down to teach you a lesson you didn’t know you needed. I’ve fought him and he’s drug me kicking and screaming to this point. You know that poem about the foot steps in the sand? Where the author says you only see one set of foot prints because God carried you when you couldn’t walk. Mine wouldn’t look like that. There would be a long, long line of drag marks because I didn’t want to do it. I wanted to take a detour and go another route. When I said “but God there’s no money.” He provided it in a way we could never repay. When I said “but God there’s no surrogate.” He provided the best there could ever be. He’s here and he’s with me. We just had to take the long way around. Tomorrow is the day we start shots. I can feel him here now. I can hear him saying “you’ve got this. I brought you here for a reason now let’s do it.” So let’s do it.