I don't exactly talk about feelings well, seriously there are several things my family and husband read about on here that I've never told. Normally I try to get through it silently or don't bring it up until it's to much. When we got ready to start IVF last year we decided to not tell anyone except immediate family and a few friends. After we ran into an issue with the person we thought was going to be our surrogate I felt drawn to mention it on Facebook and ask for prayers. By doing that it led us to our surrogate now and someone that has become our family. She has been a huge supporter of us and I'm eternally grateful for her. After that I posted a few things and received so much support I started telling everything. It's been very therapeutic and I hope that it might can help someone else going through this. That leads me to the last few days.
We met with out doctor the last few months for checkups, and the plan was to start us on our next round in February. We got our quote last Friday and it was way more than we expected. It was discounted but apparently our definition of "not much" and theirs is a lot different. The next Tuesday I got an email that said "we need you to pay for your round as soon as possible to secure your spot for the February IVF" our clinic only takes on so many patients each month so they can dedicate their self to each patient on a personal level and not over extend. They went on to say several people were rolled over from January to February and it only left 2 spots available. It was Wednesday before I could get a hold of anyone and I asked them to use our credit for the embryo transfer to hold our place for the retrieval. Long story short they couldn't do that. It was going to be at least 7 days before we would receive the money we pulled out of a 401k to pay for our spot. During the time of trying to figure out what to do they sold one spot and were in the process of selling the other one. To most people this wouldn't seem like a big deal. It was only a month's difference but it was the end of the world to me. After many phone calls, someone finally caught the doctor and he said "give them a spot". It was a miracle. I was panicking during all that but was able to get through it.
I don't think I've mentioned it in previous posts but when we started this I would worry so much I made myself sick. I was convinced I would go to the doctor and there wouldn't be any eggs. My husband and a friend that had been through IVF assured me that I would have eggs and they would be fine. They were right. The thing about stress and going through all this is you hear other stories and then convince yourself that thats happening to you. Lately my new fear is that after the ovarian transposition surgery my ovaries have died. When I went for my last check up they did have a little problem seeing them, but there are a few reasons why. One is I'm not ovulating so they've shrunk down some, the other is I don't I have all the parts so they're still not as easy to pin down. This would make sense to someone that's not under a tremendous amount of stress and panics over any little thing to do with her body and fertility. Today in the middle of church it all hit me. Out of the blue I went in to a full panic attack and couldn't breathe. I went outside and my family helped talk me through it and after a while I was ok. Throughout all of this I thought it would get better and I could work through it, but this time has been a lot more of a struggle. Please know if you are struggling its ok to ask for help. You don't always have to be the strongest and you don't have to get through it alone. There is a very big stigma attached to asking for help, being scared, not being able to get through something on your own, but there shouldn't be. Even the strongest people have weak moments. I've said it in other posts and I said it above, but please please talk to someone if you are having a hard time. There's no sense in suffering alone. There's no one that gives out awards for being the strongest and there's not a soul alive that has room to criticize you. We all have battles to fight.
