His habits are mine, his thoughts are mine, and his actions are my actions.

Like most southerners in a small town I was raised in church. No matter what was planned on Sunday it would be done after 12:00 pm, no questions ask. I might have argued every decision my sweet mother made, but I knew there was a line that couldn't be crossed and that line was Sunday morning. No matter how strong your faith is you will back slide and nine times out of ten you won't realize it for a while. We all have our faults and demons to battle. Sometimes at night I'm so tired I think I'll pray later or I'll read my bible in the morning. This is a very dangerous thing. You don't see your pulling away because you're in church every week, or you're only praying when you need something. I'm guilty one hundred and ten percent, and it hit me one day a few weeks ago. This time was different, this time I really wanted to change my whole attitude. So I spoke a few very powerful words, I said, "Lord help me be closer to you, help me strengthen my faith." Then he hit me with a ton of bricks.
I am not only lucky enough to be my father's daughter but I'm also a friend and a co-worker. We are together seven days a week for long hours. Not only is his DNA engrained in me but I shadow his every move. His habits are mine, his thoughts are mine, and his actions are my actions. You think you're a daddy's girl until you meet me. When I started school I despised it, he bribed me by taking me to Pizza Hut once a week. To this day we are at Pizza Hut every Monday at eleven am. He always treated me like an adult, when we would do a job he would ask me how I would do it. More than likely he wouldn't do it that way, but he always valued my opinion. I never realized it but he was laying a foundation for me. He gave me constant reminders that he wouldn't always be here, and I would have to make decisions on my own one day. No matter how much I depended on him I had to be independent.
 Daddy suffers from COPD, he is very susceptible to colds and pneumonia. A few days ago he started to get a cold. I told him to stay in the house but I knew he wouldn't. On Thursday the doctor said you have pneumonia, he finally whole heartedly agreed to stay in. I went on about the day not thinking to much about it, that night mama called and said they were going to the hospital. We threw our cloths on and fell in behind her car. When we got to the ER he couldn't breathe at all. All the doctors flew into working on him as soon as he came through the door. I have to be completely honest, I was worried but not terribly upset yet since we'd been through this before. Sitting in the waiting room mama called and said they would be sedating him and inserting a breathing tube. At that moment I heard nothing but I knew I had to see him. I did see him, as he was going down the hall on a hospital bed with a blue face. He never saw me, he looked at me when I yelled his name in pain but he didn't actually see me. In this moment I learned the correct way to pray, I prayed from my soul. The next day when they said they wouldn't be taking the ventilator off I panicked again. The second day they attempted to turn the ventilator off  he didn't do well so it was put back on. For the first time in my life I felt like I could see the devil. I knew he was there fighting to win, fighting to make us hurt and suffer. I knew we could win, that we would win but it would be a battle. I prayed and when I didn't pray I would read the bible. That is where we find strength and reassurance. On the fifth day he started breathing on his own and the breathing tube came out. Six days later he left the hospital and came home his old self. He had a very close call, I'm not sure that anyone expected him to come back so strong. You don't realize you're only one breath away from leaving this world. There's no doubt he had a lot of help here on earth, but God is the reason he's still with us. This made it clear to me, the world is full of sin and the devil is closer than you know but God can use these things to bring us closer to him. We will all make mistakes and pull away but he will always be here when we come back to him. Through this all I never realized he was bringing us all closer to him. I honestly feel like I looked at the devil for the first time that day, but I could also see how powerful the Lord is. Now when I say "if the Lord is for us then surely who can be against us" I believe it whole heartily and say it full of faith.

My heart isn't whole, this one's for you

     We come into this world with a whole heart but by the time you are called home it's not. I think this is what gets me through life, to know that one day it will be whole again. What else is there to live for other than knowing that one day we'll all be together again? The biggest loss in my life came before my little boy even made his appearance in this world. When I started  IVF I don't think the idea that it wouldn't give me a baby never struck me. Some people would call that confidence and some would call it being naive, but it doesn't matter. When you go through that process you do what you have to do to make it to the end.
     I took the medicines and the shots even when the doctors told me my body couldn't handle it. I was uncomfortable, sick, and sometimes in pain, but I didn't care and I never complained. I would do it if it killed me. They implanted the embryo into a surrogate and when they did the pregnancy test ten days later it was positive. That was the happiest day of my life up to that point. I put the very first ultrasound picture in a frame. It didn't matter how small that baby was he was mine.
      The doctor appointments came and went easily except for one. The doctor noticed a small problem with the part that fed the baby was a little to large, they said if it kept expanding the baby would run out of room. She reassured me there was nothing to worry about, it happened a lot on the beginning and it usually corrected itself, but they could make an extra appointment to re check it. Of course I wanted another ultrasound as soon as they could to check it, I was ready to panic but tried to stay calm. We went back for the appointment and the ultrasound technician didn't say a word she just kept checking and checking. I was so happy to see him I never noticed her reaction. She started to cry when she turned around and told me there was no heart beat and I just sat there. I didn't cry. I didn't say anything. I just sat there. She took my hand and told me that I needed to see the doctor. I honestly don't remember one word that anyone said that day all I remember is the way he looked. I never knew that a baby in an ultrasound could look so peaceful, but he did. I will always thank the good Lord for that thought because it gave me a little comfort in a moment when I was so broken and in shock.
     I absolutely hate when people say everything happens for a reason, who are we to come to that conclusion? And when something happens it doesn't matter what the reason is because there's to much pain. I don't care to hear people say time heals all wounds either because that's not true. No matter what lose you have. When it's that big you don't forget it no matter how long ago it was. I've finally got to the point where I can understand what happened, no matter how hard I wanted it or prayed it wasn't my time to have a child. I wanted a baby for the wrong reason and God knew that. It wasn't the time or the place to bring a baby in to. Babies can do incredible things, they can make a love stronger and they can make you see that a relationship isn't working. As much as I hate to say it my little boy did a wonderful job of showing me that with out having to be brought in to the situation. How many people can say that an unborn baby saved their life? Without him here I realized so many things, his love pushed me out of my comfort zone and also pushed me into a better life.
     I am now married to the one person that I can honestly say I was made to be with. He completes me in every way, he is my crutch when I can't stand alone, he is my other half. Now when I pray I have the reassurance that this is the life you want to bring a baby into. We'll be starting IVF soon and I'm going to go into it without a whole heart but I'll be a little confident, a little naive, full of faith and have a special angel watching over us.

*At Christmas I get an angel off of an angel tree of a little boy that would be the same age as mine and buy him Christmas presents. It's just a way to pay respect to a memory.

Pain seems to lengthen the briefest moments

     Life is not fair, it's the furthest thing from it, we learn that at an early age. My mother and father had been married for 21 years when I was born. They struggled with infertility that long, I'm sure it seemed like a life time, pain seems to lengthen the smallest periods in time. She never lost her faith, no matter what happened she knew that God would give them a baby, and he did. 

     I've dealt with infertility or should I say, known about my infertility, since I was 16. At that age and younger every girl dreads having her first period. When will it happen? What will it feel like? Will anyone know? I was no exception except for one thing, mine never came. Of course mama took me to the doctor at about 14, and she told her not to worry about it till I got older. At 16 we went back, in that one doctors appointment everything I had thought, worried, and wondered about flipped completely upside down. They did the ultrasound and found nothing but possibly a left ovary. I was told I would never carry a child, more than likely never have one. For any woman that would be a very hard thing to wrap your brain around, at 16 it was magnified. I felt like I wasn't a whole person, every woman could get pregnant that was the thing that set us apart from men. I've always been the type of person that when it gets to hard to think about or deal with I just shut it out. There's no talking about it at any time, obviously this isn't healthy but it was and is the way I deal with hard situations. I've come a very long way since that day, and as blatantly obvious as it is to people on the outside looking in God has a reason for everything. 

     Dealing with this is a day to day battle. I have my positive times when nothing can get me down, then I have times when all I feel is depression and pain, but my main goal and purpose is to keep strong. There's a lot to tell and this is just the beginning, the last 13 years has brought a lot of wisdom, pain, understanding, loss, and heart ache but its made me stronger. As backward as it sounds I'm thankful for this, I don't think my faith would be near as strong if I didn't have this loss.  I'm not sure where I would be or who I would be, this has become part of me and how I was made. Every person has a purpose, some of us discover early on what that is and some find it later on in life. I'm beginning to see mine and learn more about it everyday. This is the beginning of my story, a foundation of what is to come. It won't be as funny as some of my other stories I usually tell, but it'll be very heartfelt and full of emotion. 

Thelma's 2013: The comeback year for fat and sassy

     When you live on a farm and livestock get old and stop producing a profit you have to sell them. Every now and then I have a soft spot for one and grant a pardon, this is where Thelma comes from. We've had her for a long time, she has a calf every year and holds her weight well. She's not a "hard keeper" as some would say. Last year she started to really show her age, she lost weight and didn't have a calf, so that automatically means she needs to be sold. In this business like most you can't afford to lose money just because your attached to something. I named her Thelma but like most of the animals I name daddy can't keep up with them. She's been called Zelda, Mabel, Abalene, and his most favorite, "your damned old aggravating cow". Saying I'm attached to her is putting it lightly. She's the type of cow that puts it in gear when she sees me coming, there's not going to be anything come in between that feed bucket and her. She let's me rub on her and usually gets a little extra feed, but if I don't pour it fast enough she has no problem pushing me out of the way and taking matters into her own hands. One of the other fine qualities of Thelma is if we ever have cows get out that are a little hard to deal with, we can take her to them and she'll bring them in for us.
     One day last year when we were working all the cows daddy said, "Thelma's got to go, she's not doing well and won't be here much longer." I absolutely do not believe in throwing temper tantrums. They'll get you know where in life, but begging on the other hand is not beneath me and when it comes to her I'll do whatever it takes to keep her. After begging, pouting, and every now and then slipping her out of the pen when he wasn't looking I won. He let me put her with the bulls in the wheat that we sowed. A month or so went by and I told daddy that she was picking up, another month went by and she was looking like her old self again, a few more months she had a little black calf running along beside her. Since she's made her full recovery she's become a bit fat and sassy, this week the bulls became bored with their surroundings and took a jog through downtown Bell Buckle. My girl Thelma stayed at home just like she was supposed to, until late the other afternoon. Mama called about seven that night and said, "where's your daddy? He left about an hour ago to get some cow up.'' I said, "I have no idea I'll call him." Just as I hung up with her the phone rang again, no hello I need your help, all he said was "get over here and help me get your damn Thelma up now! She won't do anything I want her to!" I was so happy that he finally called her the right name it didn't register with me that I better hurry up and do something or that pardon would be overturned and revoked. In true Thelma fashion when we got there she had somehow slipped around and was where she was supposed to be, standing there like she had never left.
     A day or so has gone by and daddy isn't mad at her anymore and all is well with both of them, but today he said "you do know I could sell her and she'd probably bring $1,000." My reply was simple "Only $1,000! I would laugh at that offer, don't you know you can't put a price on love?''

My assistant chef has four legs and a good nose.

     I have a huge sweet tooth, and today I was (or felt) lucky enough to find all the ingredients to make a coco pound cake this afternoon when I came home. I mixed everything up, put it in the stem pan and set the timer for ninety minutes. About thirty minutes in to the cooking I smelled something burning, but I knew it had a lot of time left to go. Right when I walked in to the kitchen I could see Bear's face, he was standing on the patio furniture couch looking in the window throwing a fit barking, not to mention all the smoke. Apparently my pan wasn't big enough for the mixture I had, it had risen and was all over the bottom of the oven burning. I opened all the windows to get the smoke out and I was trying to clean up the oven, but Bear was so upset I had to go outside and calm him down. The treats had more of a calming affect than I did, but whatever works. At least I know now I have someone else watching over the kitchen when I'm off doing something else.

You can learn a lot from a pound puppy apparently.

     Everyone has heard the saying, "it's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog." I haven't always agreed with it until today. Mama and daddy adopted a dog from the pound over a year ago, and from the moment she got home she took over 100%. She has the mentality that we belong to her, not that she belongs to us. Her name started out as Happy, then it went to chunky, and now she gets called anything from chub to chunk. She's a mutt with the body of a basset hound, the color of a lab, and has the attitude of a pit bull. She loves us and Bear but that's about it. Some dogs are born to be protectors and she is definitely one who takes her job very seriously.
     Every winter we sow wheat and clover for the sheep to graze on the other side of the road from where they stay, but now that we have so many they would it eat up in a few days so we've stopped moving them. The younger ewes don't remember the past winters  routine and are happy where they are, but the older sheep on the other hand aren't. Every now and then we have a group of sheep that find a hole in the fence and sneak over for a while. Today that group was pretty big and they were bound and determine to stay put and not go back home. We were having a harder time than usual moving them when Chunk came to help, but the thing is Chunk usually does more harm than good helping. We really have to watch her around the sheep dogs because they don't tolerate other dogs around the sheep well. For the most part they get a long, but there have been a few fights where we have to help her. We finally got the sheep together and moving when Chunk decides to run over to a sheep dog with an attitude. Every hair from the top of her head to the tip of her tail stood straight up, I figured she was being defensive because of the past, but this time the dog went on and ignored her. When we got done four of the seven dogs were standing around Chunk wagging their tales, and I thought oh great this is a relief they've got use to each other and we don't have anything to worry about anymore. Wrong. She starts a fight with one of the again, so we ran over to stop it and as soon as we got her seperated everything was fine again. Tails are wagging and no growling so I go back to the four wheeler and daddy goes back to the tractor, as soon as I turn around it starts up again. This time when I made them quit daddy hollered for her to come follow the tractor home so she could be put up and out of the situation. When she starts to leave with him so do the sheep dogs and she starts up another "argument", but this time I was able to get the sheep dogs to follow me one direction and daddy took  her the other. She thinks that the sheep dogs are on her territory and they think the same about her. Hopefully one day they will work out all their differences but until then we'll have to keep an eye on her attitude.
      I would have never thought that something so short, fat, and cute could stand her ground so well. She won't back up from anything or anybody, in most cases that's a good quality. The longer we have her the more I love her, she's always been an underdog and probably always will be, but you can bet she'll fight her way to the top everytime. The bravest most important battles are won when you have to fight your way out of a corner. Who would have thought that such a small beaten down little dog could teach you to never give up?

Miracles come in all shapes and sizes, today one showed up in a very small baby lamb.

     First off I believe in God, I have a strong faith, and most importantly I believe in miracles. The smallest miracle could be huge in someone else's eyes, they're all around us we just have to watch for them. As you can tell by the picture we have sheep, some days it feels like we have 5,000 and then other days it seems like there aren't enough. They love to stay in the hay barn on these cold windy days, as much as it sounds like a good idea it's not. They have plenty of other barns and places to go to stay out of the bad weather, but of course they have to be where you don't want them. The hay barn is a very tricky place especially when it's not full of hay. The lambs and even some of the younger sheep like to climb up the hay and run around, this is their form of mountains I guess, all the older ones want to do is eat it and get warm. Usually some one goes up and feeds the sheep dogs and checks through the barn to make sure there are no problems but, the last couple of days I knew the dogs were well taken care of so I slacked off. Nothing good ever comes from slacking off by the way. After dinner I got the dog food and went up there, while I was feeding I heard a lamb blat. I could tell by the sound something was wrong, so as I go around the corner there is one of the smallest lambs we've had just standing there. She's only a day or two old and looked like she hadn't eaten in several hours, when I went to pick her up I just happened to see a white nose stick up between two round bales of hay. The way it's been fed out of the barn and stacked it's sort of like a maze, so I crawled in there and there was a mama, two babies, and big ram. They had no way of getting out, the bales are 6 feet wide and 5 foot tall, I called daddy to bring the tractor and move some of the hay. I managed to pull the lambs out, but the sheep were to heavy, while I'm waiting on daddy to come I hear a noise a few feet over. Of course I thought it was a snake or a rat, but when the hay moved again I ran my hand down in the hole and felt another sheep. She had crawled in the gap between some hay bales, and was pinned in there when another fell.  Daddy had to be very careful picking up the hay bales so they wouldn't fall down in the holes and crush them. The more we moved the more little ears and noses were showing up. When it was all said and done we had four sheep and about ten lambs that we pulled out, thankfully they were all ok just very thirsty.
     If it hadn't been for this one small orphaned lamb there would have been no chance of us finding those sheep. I wasn't able to find the lambs mama, I have no idea how she made it this long without milk, but I do know that she was a hero today. I brought her home, made her a bottle and she's sound asleep now.  Most lambs like the one today will follow the sheep around blating until they get tired or found, but this one stayed in the barn, you can call it a coincidence but I won't. Miracles come in all shapes and sizes, today one showed up in a very small one or two pound hungry baby lamb. God is good.